What if.
Posted: Saturday, February 6, 2010 by Mural! inThis post has been published by me as a part of the Blog-a-Ton 7; the seventh edition of the online marathon of Bloggers; where we decide and we write. To be part of the next edition, visit and start following Blog-a-Ton.
He just sat there lifeless with unfocussed eyes and the look of someone filled with dread. Flashes were flickering from the cameras in the trembling hands of the reporters who knew that they have a story that they are never going to forget. Some of the police constables were wearing a look of impending doom, a few were even praying for they did not want Raj to be convicted. He shuddered with a tremor passing through and saw up slowly to catch the red and swollen eyes of his sister who was sitting among the huge crowd that has turned out to witness the trial. For this particular incident has jolted the peaceful town of Vizag and sent jitters down to its very core.
It seems like ages since he first met her. Some other time time, some other world, like it was in another life. For he has wasted away so quickly during the last few months, his sister could not stop weeping everytime she came to meet him.
He met her at a friends party.
Who is that angel? Is she for real? Oh God, I will do anything to spend the rest of my life with her. Is she looking at me?
His heart started to race and suddenly his palms and feet became cold and sweaty.
I cannot risk losing her. I don’t know what will I do without her!
Hi, I am Raj. Can I get you something to drink...........
Within a year they were married. Life looked rosy, his company has started to reward his hardwork and finally he started getting the recognition that can take him places in this dog-eat-dog world, he found the love of his life and he said one day to his close friends.
I am living out my dream, what else can a man want.
But then something somewhere went wrong. Horribly wrong. Things started to turn murky, he started to hate everything in his life, his job, his home. He knew that he still loved his wife, but somehow he always ended up snapping at her, which made his mood even darker. The company had sent him off for counseling.
You are suffering from Dysthymia which might in time lead to a Major Depressive Disorder. You see, it runs in your family, your aunt, grandmother also suffered from a similar diagnosis.
I suggest you start taking a medication course.
But the doctor did not mention to him that medication does not always make a patient better, he can only try.
His life then became more like a machine, monotonous with a job that has been reassigned by his company keeping his condition in mind.
Off late, fed up with this life, he secretly started decreasing the dosage of his antidepressants which always seemed to dull up his senses and thinking.
Off late, fed up with this life, he secretly started decreasing the dosage of his antidepressants which always seemed to dull up his senses and thinking.
What is happening to me, this is not how I dreamed my life to be. I need to get myself out of this rut. They will not understand why am I doing this right now, but I know I can get better. I have to win her back.
and he threw out his medicines from the car window. He felt justified in doing so, because his marriage was failing. He started to fear if his wife will leave him someday. He had to re-ignite the romance of the old.
Honey, I have a surprise! I have bought a Tempo Traveller so that we can live up your dream of traveling through India and visiting places and still have our home with us.
He said winking.
She also noticed very gladly, the wonderful change that was coming upon her beloved husband.
Maybe the doctor’s fears were wrong, maybe I am witnessing a miracle and he is recovering.
Wow! Really! I love you Raj.
Life again started to look beautiful. Infact he started to feel very bright and chirpy again and he noticed that his wife was also very happy and that she also seemingly ignored visiting their family shrink or if he is still taking his daily dose.
He was bubbling around and was full of life and she started loving every bit of him again. He started loving every bit of himself again. For he is winning her back.
Honey, this is the wondefull city that I had promised to take you too.
This is where I was born.
This was my childhood school. I am taking you to a place that you might actually feel like heaven on earth.
They set up camp at Jungle Bells, a camping site on the eastern ghats near Vizag and started to recapture the love that seemed lost from their lives. When, a group of unruly teenagers came about their camping site. He had quarreled with them, but they never seemed to stop the jeering and name-calling. There wasn’t even any authority in sight.
Hello.
Hello is this the tourism office?
Yes.
We have a problem here at the camping site in Jungle Bells.
Please sir, do tell us.
There is a batch of hoodlums here who are disturbing our vacation.
Sir, we are already short staffed now, can you please try to hold on, we can send you someone within a couple off hours.
But this is not what I paid up for! Please connect me with your superior!
Please sir, don’t get angry, if it is alright for you, why don’t you shift your camp to No. 42 then. We promise that we will send up a team to check on this batch that you have told us about.
Alright, how can I reach there.
Please, take out your map sir...
Yes.
Can you see the...........
Though this was a small incident, on hindsight he was ready to give anything in exchange to have avoided one such as this.
Oh my God! Raj is really shook up by this. Why can’t he understand that I am still alright.
Raj, what you are doing for me is something very special. You took out your time from your job and you gave me by far the best time of my life dear. You do know that I love you more than anything else in this world. More than myself.
Night had fallen and he was sleeping. Then suddenly he heard some rustling sounds and then some low whispering like noises which seemed to come near. What he feared was coming true! Those demons were trying to get back at him! His heart again started to race, he waited for the right moment, so that they will not know that he is awake and waiting to get them.
The moment seemed fine, one had entered his trailer and within his arms reach. He reached out and then attacked with all his force suddenly which had seemed to take it by surprise. His ploy worked and though the rascal seemed to fight back and struggle out of his hold, he wrestled it and bought it into some kind of an improper headlock.
He doesn’t know that I was a karate champion in my college days.
and then he suddenly opened his eyes in the morning, the beautiful sun was streaming by though the window onto his bedside. The golden rays ended beside him on his wife dark and shiny mane.
Wake up Anita, we have got a lot to do today.
He dialed 100 and he was shaking violently while he spoke on.
What have I done? I’ve been trying to wake her. I think I killed her. I think I have killed my wife! Oh my God! I thought someone had broken in. I was fighting with one of those boys, but it was her. What have I done! I must have been dreaming or something. Oh Lord! What have I done? What have I done! Can you send someone.
He was sobbing by the time the call ended.
The police were aghast, they hardly saw much of crime here, a few accidents, yes, but murder by strangulation was too much to take for them. But then also was the behaviour of the repentant husband who did not speak anything except periodical mournful personal lashing that he had killed her, he had killed her.
They went through his belongings and registered a case of homicide against him and informed his sister about the incident. It was her who brought a lawyer and told them that her brother was under psychiatric care. They did not believe her, because this was one defense that every other criminal seemed to hide behind, though the Sub-Inspector who had arrested the man seemed to believe so. So, finally the police chief relented and had the man checked by a psychiatrist.
He suffers from a condition called automatism. It means that during his sleep, his mind is not in control of what the rest of his body is doing. Also this particular incident looks like a perfect example for pavor nocturnus also known as “night terrors”. The patient had stopped taking his antidepressants which had led him to develop a bipolar condition, where the patient experiences mood swings, which might have made his condition more acute.......
But all of this was not important for him. He wished he was punished with the strongest and harshest possible judgement, that of death, because he had lost the will to live. He was unable to pardon himself in his own personal court of justice, he was found guilty for stopping to have his medicines and then letting such a ghastly act happen.
Not Guilty.
The Judge also seemed to know the harshest punishment to Raj, that of life, that of a lifetime of repentance......
Epilogue
I am not a doctor. I am not a medical student. I hated doing the background work for this story. Why can’t story writing be much easier!
Dysthymia is a chronic long lasting form of depression sharing many characteristic symptoms of major depressive disorder. However, these symptoms tend to be less severe but do fluctuate in intensity.
A person suffering from a unipolar disorder tends to have a consistently low mood whereas one with a bipolar disorder has extremely fluctuating moods.
A dialogue from Watchmen.
Man goes to doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world where what lies ahead is vague and uncertain. Doctor says "Treatment is simple. Great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go and see him. That should pick you up." Man bursts into tears. Says "But, doctor...I am Pagliacci."
Happy Reading!!!
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That had some research go into it ! :-) . Liked the thought behind it and the scientific justification of the end. Good job.
His wife's name was Anita ? I'm smiling at that....